Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Now What?

Oh, naïveté, how I prefer thee to truth. I have been thinking about this a lot lately, in regards to a couple different aspects of my life. You know how, in youth, you are full of such hope for the future and all that holds. Hope in love, work, life, adventure. You are certain you will get a great job, give whatever it takes to have a successful marriage, and so on.

Now I was never so naive as to believe that "love is all you need" to make marriage work. I did, however, think we had an unbreakable combination of factors in our favor: love, like, desire, belief in God, commitment, and shared interests. Our story was amazing. We met, had a date, spent every minute together, and then were engaged three weeks later, married six months later.

Some might gasp and say that is the reason for any marital problems you are having, of course, because you did not know each other well enough. However, our story goes a little differently than that. After our quick engagement and marriage, we enjoyed 12 amazing years together. Not all of it was "bliss" but nobody should expect that. We had a great time together, we supported each other, we worked through conflicts, and we loved one another.

And then, we had a kid. I hear this is a tipping point for many couples, due to the ways in which life must change and the increased pressure. I was as prepared for this as a person can be, but then nobody is ever prepared for children, are they? I was not prepared for the way it seemed he didn't have room in his heart to love more than one person...and our son got the love. It's not that I wanted more time with my husband (I did), it's not that I wanted him to say "I love you" more often (I did); I wanted that indescribable thing we call love that you can see in a look from across the room and feel in a gentle touch on your shoulder. You can't describe it but you know when someone "loves" you and you know when they don't, when it's gone.

Oh well, we had another kid. I thought it would pass, that it was actually getting better, but it became clearer after our second child that it's quite the opposite. Now, we are a divided, sad home. My husband seems to love and have room in his heart for our son only. He appears to find myself and his daughter to be a nuisance, not the objects of his affection I once was and that every baby girl should be.

So, I pose to you, now what? We have talked. And talked. And talked. I have cried and yelled and yelled and cried some more, at the same time even. I am so sad. Some days, sad looks like mad, but it is just sad. He doesn't think his love has changed, at least that's what he tells himself and me because he doesn't know what to do with the truth. I don't blame him, I don't know what to do with it either. Even if he acknowledged that he really only has the capacity to love one person at a time, how does that get remedied? What is the underlying problem?

I am committed. I made my vows for forever. Like all people who marry, I truly never thought this would happen to us. We had love, true love, the kind that you know within three weeks.

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