Thwarted

Did you know that a life can unravel from one moment, one decision? We had a home in the mountains, a beautiful and fun toddler, a relatively happy marriage, and time to spend playing in the mountains: hiking, running, skiing, biking.

It was time for a change, we knew it. Not because we wanted to leave our current life. Not because we dreamed of better, really. No, we knew we had to make a change in order to fix a mistake we had made years back, to do the "responsible" thing. So we struck a compromise: we sold our beloved home and purchased an Airstream to live in full-time while we saved some money to build a home on a lot that we purchased at the peak of the market (yep, that was the mistake to be fixed). 

We dreamed that we would travel and live with less stuff. We were excited for adventure. Everyone else we knew, however, thought we were crazy and didn't hesitate to say so. Coworkers had bets for how long we would make it in our new lifestyle, ranging from 2 weeks to 3 months. Oh, and did I mention that at the time we made this decision we were expecting baby #2?

The Airstream life has been stressful and the opposite of freeing. It is hard to link our experience to any one factor because, frankly, this has been a rough year full of issues that would've been difficult even in a normal home lifestyle. 

April-June 2015 moving and more moving, organizing the storage unit, selling possessions
June 2015 one week trip
July 2015 doc orders no travel (baby)
Aug 2015 baby!!! House-sat for a friend
Sept 2015 back in the Airstream, prepping for trip
Oct-Nov big road trip!!!
Dec- two nearby trips
Jan- sick the entire month, plus returned to work after mat leave
Feb- unexpected family member death; memorial planning, estate dealings
March- one nearby trip, discovered leak
April-May displaced for repairs
June- prepping for trip, neck injury
July-August stayed in one spot (it was pretty!), no travel due to injury

During this time, we have fought way more than ever in our marriage. We have developed bad habits of criticism and harsh words. We have taken our stress out on our toddler and put unreasonable expectations on him. He has overhead way too many adult conversations about "what to do next". 

This isn't to say we haven't had good times, or that we won't have fond memories of this time. There will be some, for sure. But the good don't outweigh the bad, and we are tired. We don't have hope that the lifestyle will improve for us. Maybe this next year we won't get seriously ill, incur major injury and lose a loved one. Maybe we will actually be able to travel as we had planned. 

But what if not? What if it's another year of sitting in a confined space while it pours rain day after day, with the same exact view instead of a view that changes as we travel? What if it's another several months of being displaced (ie moving all of our stuff repeatedly) while our AS gets repaired? What if we are thwarted nearly every time we try to enjoy this lifestyle?

My deepest fear is that we sold our happiness with our home. It's not rational but it's real for me. The last time I can remember being happy is in that home. The last chunk of time I remember getting along well with my husband, the last time I felt comfort in my surroundings, the last time I felt at home. The last time life felt easy. What if we can't get it back??? What if it's gone?

I really wanted this dream to work. Wanting something to work isn't enough. I'm reminded of my baby girl trying to force the star shape into the circle hole; it just won't work, no matter how badly she wants it to and no matter her level of determination.

We are faced with some decisions, but again, they are complicated. If it were easy, I'd say we should start building next June, as planned. But now, with my husband's neck injury, we might have to wait one whole more year. If he is injured and cannot start the building process, do we just sell the AS and rent? Do we continue to try to fit the star in the circle and hope the AS lifestyle is finally what we dreamed of? Or, do we move forward with building even if it means paying other people to do the work?